You're Talking Yourself Into Chasing The Wrong Thing

Are You Talking Yourself Into Chasing The Wrong Thing?
The words you say to yourself every day are either pointing you toward your own goals or quietly steering you somewhere else.
Most of us don’t notice which one is happening.

Welcome to Ask Coach Tony!

Hi, I’m Coach Tony, and this is Ask Coach Tony.

These are unfiltered field notes from the goal-crushing life: coaching wins, personal breakthroughs, and the failures that taught both me and my clients the most. All real, all useful, all here to help you move forward.

Got a goal that’s dying of loneliness? Just Ask Coach Tony.

Ready for a dad joke?

Before we dive in, here's a groan-worthy dad joke as a little palate cleanser. I promise it will be worth every penny you paid for it. 😂

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.

You’re Talking Yourself Into Chasing The Wrong Thing

Hey Goal Crusher, welcome to Ask Coach Tony.

This month’s theme is Chasing The Wrong Thing. That nagging feeling that you are working hard for someone else’s dream.

I can tell you firsthand that one of the most exhausting experiences for a high-achiever is when you pour your heart and soul into something that doesn’t light you up at your core.

I want to help you fix that.

In this Ask Coach Tony, I will share the three seemingly innocent phrases we all say that keep us running on someone else’s hamster wheel.

Once you know these phrases are keeping you stuck, you’ll never say them the same way again.

Shoulding on Yourself

Have you ever done something because it is what you should do and not what you want to do?

Throughout our formative years, we are taught that there is a predetermined path of milestones that we should follow.

You should apply yourself in school and get good grades.

You should go to college and get a good job.

You should climb the ladder and make more money.

You should get married, buy a house, and have kids.

You should save a bunch of money so you can retire and enjoy life before you die.

Out of all those things I just mentioned, only one thing is a must-do, non-negotiable for your life. You’re going to die. Everything else is a choice you get to make on your own.

Spending your time pursuing something you should do is almost always a sure-fire way to start chasing the wrong thing.

Only you get to decide what’s right for you. Only you get to decide what makes you happy. Otherwise, you’re just shoulding on yourself and your happiness.

Pay close attention to your language. The next time you say the phrase “I should,” stop. Press pause. Ask yourself if the thing you’re about to do is for you or for someone else’s expectations.

If the latter is the case, it’s time to say, “I don’t give a should” about someone else’s expectations of me.

Am I Allowed to Do That?

Have you ever talked yourself out of something before you even got started?

Not because you didn’t want it. Not because you didn’t have what it takes. But because you stopped to ask whether you were allowed to do it.

Would I get in trouble if I started a blog?

Is it ok if I write this book?

Can I call myself a writer, a leader, a coach, or an athlete?

Would it be wrong if I started this business?

Is it ok to apply for a job when I am not one hundred percent qualified?

We are wired from a young age to ask for permission. From the time we raise our hand in class just to go to the bathroom, we learn that someone else holds the key to our next step.

So we carry that habit into adulthood. And we keep waiting for the masters of the universe to approve our next big idea.

Here is the problem. Nobody is coming to grant you permission. And while you are waiting, you end up working hard to help someone else achieve their goals, while yours are sitting in the corner dying of loneliness.

The only person who gets to decide if you are allowed to pursue your goals is you.

Like I explained while talking about taking a should on yourself, your language is important. So pay close attention to what you’re saying. The next time you catch yourself asking “Am I allowed to…,” stop. Ask yourself: who exactly are you asking? Whose rulebook are you reading from? Because I am willing to bet it is not yours.

Permission granted. Now go.

What If I’m Wrong?

I want to share something with you that my coaching clients tell me is one of the most powerful topics we discuss in our sessions.

Almost no decision you make is final.

Read that again. Almost no decision you make is final.

We treat our goals like they are carved in stone. Like saying yes to something means we are locked in forever. Like taking one wrong step will send us tumbling off a cliff with no way back.

That is not how life works.

Your brain is wired to keep you safe, not happy. So when you are standing at the edge of something new and exciting, your brain starts asking, “what if I’m wrong?” It is not trying to help you make a better decision. It is trying to talk you out of making one at all.

Guess what happens when your brain talks you out of your dream… You stay stuck chasing the wrong thing instead.

Here is the reframe I give every client who gets stuck in this loop.

You are not deciding your future. You are deciding your next step. And if that step turns out to be wrong, or even if you change your mind, you are absolutely allowed to take a different one.

Say yes to the job. Start the business. Write the book. Sign up for the race. If it does not light you up the way you hoped, you can make a different choice tomorrow.

Here’s how to stop your hesitation. The next time you catch yourself asking “what if I’m wrong,” stop. Flip the question. Ask yourself: what is the best thing that could happen if I am right?

Because that answer is worth the risk.

Whose Goal Is It Anyway?

Ok, let’s pause and take a deep breath.

I just described three ways you may be torpedoing your happiness and keeping yourself trapped chasing the wrong thing. But it isn’t all doom and gloom.

You have choices, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. We will start helping you chase the right thing at our next Goal Crusher Coffee Chat.

Chasing the Wrong Thing
Are you working hard for someone else’s dream?

In this session, I will open up my Coach’s Notebook and share the signs you’re chasing someone else’s goals and how to shift your focus back to your own.

Then, during our roundtable, we will each answer one simple question:

What’s one thing you could put on the back burner so you can make room for what really matters to you?

If you’re ready for your goals to feel like yours, not everyone else’s, this event is for you.

Did you miss this coffee chat? Don’t panic. I host a new Goal Crusher Coffee Chat every month. Visit OperationMelt.com/CoffeeChat for the details about the next chat.

When you’re stuck chasing the wrong thing, it might be because of the words you’re using with yourself. “I should,” “Am I allowed,” and “What if I’m wrong” are not just phrases. They are tiny decisions to hand your goals over to someone else’s expectations, someone else’s rulebook, and someone else’s comfort level.

Your goals deserve better than that. And so do you.

You’re here for a reason. Let’s take the next step.

Meet Coach Tony

Tony Weaver is a master life coach, technologist, consultant, writer, and founder of Operation Melt.

He helps project managers and other left-brained high-achievers pursue their biggest goals.

Through free resources, personalized coaching, and his proven Project Manage Your Life system, Tony empowers clients to move their dreams from “someday” to success… one step at a time.

Learn more about Project Manage Your Life, the system my clients and I use to crush our goals, at OperationMelt.com/PMYL/