In Ask Coach Tony, you can put my Operation Melt coaching to the test by asking me questions about how to achieve your goals.
Because a question asked by one is often a question had by many, I am regularly sharing these answers via the Operation Melt blog.
Amuse-Bouche Before we jump into today's post, I offer you this "dad joke" as a light "amuse-bouche" to entertain your mind before we get serious. Like any other amuse-bouche, you may hate it, but it is worth every penny you paid for it, right? What do you call a pastry that is yummy, tasty and delicious? A synonym roll.
Surprise BFF: The Antidote To Your Inner Critic’s Lies
Coach Tony: I have a lot going on in my life. My day job is a bit of a stretch assignment for me, and I am working to grow my skills to get good at it. I’ve done pretty well so far, but I want to keep getting better. In addition to my day job, my husband and I co-own a side-hustle business that has exceeded our expectations and keeps picking up steam. On top of that, I am also training for my first half marathon in just a few weeks and am already feeling called to do another one this fall. My life keeps me busy, but I love it and am doing well in my various pursuits. I know this… at least logically. My problem is that the non-logical side of my brain doesn’t seem convinced. The negative self-talk and inner critic you have written about over the years is raging in my head. Each morning, as I look myself in the eyes in my bathroom mirror, the negative thoughts flood into my mind – you’re not good enough… who do you think you are… you are going to fail… you are so ugly – the list goes on and on. Why do you think this is happening, and what can I do about it?
I appreciate the opportunity to address this question; it is a topic I have discussed with many people. Whether we admit it or not, the negative self-talk from our inner critic hurts. It makes us feel like our successes are failures, and our goals are destined to fail and are out of reach. When we succumb to this self-talk, we may be tempted to give up and self-sabotage.
Our inner critic is an asshole… and a liar!
We all have an inner critic (a self-doubt monster) waiting to pounce at our most vulnerable moments, but we also have options to stop the critic in his tracks. In this post, I will share an exercise that can help provide the antidote for this venomous monster.
Why Is This Happening?
I will start with my suspicion about why your inner critic is raging so much right now.
It sounds like you are living most of your life outside your comfort zone. As you said, you have a lot going on in your life right now: a stretch job, growing side hustle and race training. Your energy is focused on several big goals that all require you to keep growing.
When living outside your comfort zone, you continually change and challenge your natural stasis or status quo. Your state of constant change is triggering millions of years of evolution and causing your caveman brain to make an appearance.
Some of the primitive wiring in our brain causes it not to distinguish between taking on an uncomfortable assignment at work and walking out of our cave into the dark, sabretooth tiger-infested forest. All our brain knows is that it doesn’t know what’s around the next corner, so it wants to protect us from sudden extinction. I guess it is nice of our brains to try so hard to keep us alive, right?
At the end of the day, your brain couldn’t care less about your happiness; it just wants to keep you safe. Your brain understands your comfort zone and sees everything else as a threat. Your brain tries to protect you by relying on the tools it has available, so, presto, negative self-talk.
Refocusing Your Brain
I want to talk about mediation for a minute as an analogy for managing your self-talk.
Many experts have studied, proven and written about the value of mediation. Unfortunately, most beginners have a flawed understanding of how meditation works. They believe that meditation begins with clearing your mind of all thoughts. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t work for me. Telling your brain not to think of anything at all is like telling your brain not to think about a yellow elephant… ok, admit it; you are picturing a yellow elephant now, aren’t you?
Our brains do not obey us when we say “stop thinking,” so meditation relies on an alternate approach. Instead of telling your brain not to think of anything, meditation directs your brain to focus its energy on something else. This often starts by becoming hyper-aware of your breathing and then your body. Focusing specifically on the present moment redirects your brain’s energy away from your other racing thoughts.
Managing your negative self-talk works in a very similar fashion.
Changing The Conversation?
None of us can completely shut down our negative self-talk and inner critic. We can refocus the talk and change the conversation. Like the mediation example above, the quick path to managing your self-talk is by choosing what you say to yourself, especially where the inner critic most commonly makes his or her appearance.
Instead of being your own worst critic, you can choose to be your own best friend. Here’s how.
- What do I need to hear? Spend some time brainstorming your answer to an important question: what are three things I would like to have my best friend say to me when my inner critic starts being a jerk? These statements may be specific to something you are trying to accomplish or more general words of encouragement.
- Make it visible. Once you have identified the three things you need to hear, write them on an index card or PostIT note. Visibly place this note in the location where your inner critic seems to make his appearance the most. If your critic is loudest when you look in the mirror, hang it on your mirror.
- Be your own best friend. Each time you see your three-things card, read it to yourself, preferably out loud. Additionally, when you begin hearing the whisper of your inner critic, quickly refocus your brain by re-reading these statements.
The more often you read your three things, the more you will be your own best friend. Over time, your brain will focus more on these thoughts, and your inner critic will lose his power. This may quickly become your favorite habit.
Just remember, it is natural to have negative self-talk, and it is your brain’s way of keeping you from being eaten by some snarling predator. With the assistance of a powerful new habit, you can help teach your brain that your goals and happiness are not a vicious sabretooth tiger.
Would you like some help changing the conversation in your brain? I am happy to help you shift your habit of self-sabotage to one of self-love. Please visit the Operation Melt coaching page and submit a non-obligation inquiry form. I’d be honored to help you!
Ask Me Anything!
Do you have a question you would like to submit for a future Ask Coach Tony post? Whatever your question, I am here to help. Ask Me Anything!
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Meet Coach Tony
My name is Coach Tony, and I am a coach, author and project manager on a mission. I am working to build a world where no goal ever dies of loneliness.
I almost allowed one of my biggest life goals to die without ever being attempted for forty years. My goal almost died, not of failure but of loneliness. But, I took a risk and leveraged a simple, logical process that helped me wildly exceed my goal.
I transformed my life, and you can do the same with the help of Operation Melt.
Operation Melt provides engaging, practical content and hands-on coaching to inspire, motivate and equip project managers and other left-brained high-achievers to pursue and accomplish their biggest goals.
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